Nothing is more irritating than getting handed a fist full of fen. For those of you who are unfamiliar with China’s smallest denomination of currency, it so worthless that I would be inclined to say that the metal they are made from is worth more than the money, if only they were not made of tin foil. In dollars how much are they worth? About $0.0013.

Now China is an inexpensive country, so you might think that there is something you could buy with a few fen. Unfortunately you would be wrong. The cheapest things you see for sale tends to be about 5 mao, which works out to FIFTY fen. So why in the world does this ridiculous denomination still exist? I would argue that it is specifically to make my life more painful, but some people would see that as a bit egomaniacal. Not me, but some people.

For a long time I did not even know that fen were still in circulation—until I went to the bank and changed some money. To my delight I received one back (that was sarcastic, but I think I actually was pretty happy). So the first time, it was actually okay.

However, it turns out that big supermarkets seem to love fen for some completely bizarre reason. I would say that they use it as a trick to charge slightly more, and over time it is a tool for profit, except the theory makes no sense. The only way that premise would work is if that price differential made things appear cheaper. Like people who think $9.97 is much cheaper than 10 bucks. But nobody even cares about 1 mao. Just bump the prices up to the next mao, no one would care! Ever. Anywhere.

The problem with fen, other than the fact that they are worthless junk, is that there is no time where you can use them in normal life. Buses won’t take them. Stores will not accept them. Restaurants always charge in increments of 1 yuan, so unless you happen to have one hundred fen, it won’t do you much good. And even then you could only buy a fifth of a can of coke.

There is only one instance in my life when I have unloaded them, and that was out of spite. Each day I park my bike outside of work. And about 80% of the time this salty old woman tries to charge me 3 mao instead of the standard 2. It is such a tiny amount, which only makes it more infuriating. When I point it out she either gives me a dirty look, or pretends she miscounted. Recently she I gave her a full yuan, which already meant I was going to get stuck with a pocket-full of coins. However, when she gave me 7 mao back and I pointed out the “error” to her, she reached back and handed me two five-fen coins. Well played, my old nemesis!

So over the last week and a half we have been handing these two worthless coins back and forth. Even when I have given exact change, it has not stopped the vicious cycle. She remembers. Oh how she remembers. She holds those two anachronistic annoyances until she can dump them on me. She has hundreds of customers a day, and only I end up with them.

For my sanity, and hers, I beseech the Chinese government to eliminate the fen. Any money that nobody wants should not exist. Surely this is an obvious truth!