I am thoroughly convinced someone could make a million dollars exporting Coconut Palm drink. Seriously, think about it. Most of what China exports is either crappy goods like children’s toys that have pieces the exact size to choke someone, or knock-off Prada bags. Okay, that’s not really fair, but what authentically Chinese product is out there? Have you ever seen a fortune cookie in China? Or baijiu in the states? The closest thing I can think of is Chinese Checkers, and who plays that? Coconut juice is really the best bet.

I can assure you that I am not being paid by the good people at Orthodox Coconut Palm Brand, but if I were, their profits would increase 1000%. Have you ever met a foreigner who didn’t like the stuff? It’s fantastic! Who wouldn’t buy this? It’s not like bitter melon or dorian fruit where the downside is so obvious people have to try to talk you into it. The stuff sells itself. If you’ll indulge me, I have a whole advertising campaign to introduce it to the west:

Scene opens with a handsome Chinese man in a stylish suit sitting at an upscale restaurant with an attractive Chinese woman who is likewise well-dressed. She looks upset and you can sense he did something wrong by her pensive vacant stare across the room. On the table are two cans of Orthodox Coconut Palm Brand coconut juice. He says something to try to console her in Chinese. She shoots back a string of sentences, clearly accusatory. There are no subtitles (or possibly only Chinese subtitles. I haven’t worked out all the details yet.)

As she begins to cry she grabs her Prada pocketbook and of course the Orthodox Coconut Palm Brand coconut juice can while getting up to run out of the restaurant. The shot freezes on her running toward the door, hair flying, make-up perfectly in tact despite the tears. A Chinese pop love song cues in and there is a montage of the couple together in happier times: The first time she saw him on the park bench drinking Orthodox Coconut Palm Brand coconut juice and peering of soulfully toward the horizon. On a Ferris wheel, hands raised to the sky in utter bliss, State Banquet Beverage in hand. A shot of the two of them submerged in a tub of white liquid that looks suspiciously like juice from Hainan coconut palm.

The camera cuts back to the frozen shot of the woman. A black can of the drink appears next her face as chengyu flashes at the bottom of the screen conveying an idea something like “Always remember the good times” (although in Chinese it is probably literally something like “An ant climbs only as the monkey may one day eat him”.) A baritone-voiced announcer reads the chengyu with excessive gusto as a “By Mennen”-type mini-jingle plays. Screen cuts away before the announcer or music has finished.

Possible variations would include (1) using the slogan “Coconut juice not from processing magma and essence” (which appears on the side of the can), (2) having the aforementioned scene take place in a KTV room, or (3) ending with a non-sequitur of dozens of Chinese school children with their red handkerchiefs on all drinking coconut juice together in a playground.

All you really have to do is get a few people drinking the stuff and it spread from China to the West like a bizarro John Denver. Of course the only reason I can think of why this hasn’t already been done is that the safety standard of Orthodox Coconut Palm Brand coconut juice may not be up to international safety standards. Actually now that I think about it I thought China exporting cars would be a good idea too, and we all know how that turned out…hmmm…