China Expat's Oracle Bone

Look on the bright side, folks: at least we live in interesting times! Yes sir, if you found 2008 a struggle, go directly to bed, pull covers securely over head, and do not peek out from under until you hear people yelling about their real estate equity gains again. That shouldn't be until 2016. How do we know? The oracle bones don't lie. Here's what else they told us for 2009.

Politics

Following Putin's topless debut, and worldwide coverage of Obama's chiseled pecs, getting buff becomes a priority for any world leader serious about Q rating. Progress at global summits is further bogged down by bickering over protein supplements and kettlebell training versus the 300 workout. Iranian president Ahmadinejad issues an open pose-down challenge to all elected officials, hotly denying allegations of a clandestine horse-steroid program.

Economics

Millions of Americans running from their home loans, known as "Morgies", end up on China's increasingly golden shores. The English school model is destroyed, as any Chinese family can have an English tutor/domestic for the price of room and board. Yanks not young and comely enough to provide edutainment end up sweating in the sleazy western-restaurant kitchens of Beijing and Shanghai. The most miserable, without airfare, are smuggled into China by the mafia, and end up working off their debt building railroads under the new infrastructure investment program. Mei you meiguorende fen, "not an American's chance" becomes a common expression.

Sustainability

TATA introduces a 5,000 RMB car that gets 1,000 km per liter of used cooking oil, the more used the better. China instantly becomes the energy king of a new Asian OPEC. Every household from Harbin to Hainan becomes an independent refinery. Saudi Arabians start showing up on Chinese construction scaffolding, and malatang vendors scandalize snooty Swiss après ski crowds with their habit of stirring chili powder into Cristal.

Fashion

Shoe-throwing becomes the hottest way to voice protest, akin to the glove-slapping trend of 18^th century France. Walking around with only one shoe on and a bagful of aerodynamic footgear becomes the hipster's way to play the rebel. Wait staff, teachers, and Walmart complaint desk personnel add limber lumbars and sharp reflexes to their skill sets. A surge in demand for disposable dollar shoes revives Guangdong's slumping manufacturing base.

Internet

UN Secretary Ban-ki Moon hacks into Ugandan president Museveni's Facebook page and sends a friend request to Lord's Resistance Army leader Joseph Kony. Peace and stability return to Central Africa after the two discover they have the same favorite Fela Kuti album.

Stocks

Traders begin gauging markets with the PA(pre-apocalypse)200, a new index representing a range of bunker-design consultancies, survival knife manufacturers, shopping-cart concerns, and stick combat training centers.

Entertainment

Celebrity Justice becomes the latest prime-time juggernaut, preventing the long-overdue death of the reality TV show. Those convicted of capital crimes are remanded to a house filled with society's most obnoxious celebrities. Homicide rates plummet after the season opener, when a convict jumps out of a third-story window rather than spend a second day with Rosie O'Donnell, Carrot Top, Britney Spears and Courtney Love.

In China, Office Boy, a knock-off of Trump's hit show The Apprentice, dominates the ratings. Young westerners serve grueling internships under Chinese bosses for a shot at a six-figure job with China Investment Corporation. Eating silkworms and fetching boiling hot glasses of water are among the more dignified tasks the interns perform. Cancellation looms after the first contestant dies from baijiu poisoning.

Medicine

Pfizer introduces a prescription drug that becomes the new Prozac, outselling even Viagra and rocketing PFE shares past two hundred dollars. Their miracle pill, Colludanol, triggers the overwhelming sensation that one is about to be bailed out with a multi-billion, forgivable loan.

Art

The world of high-end art is turned on its head when Chinese mega-artists Yue Minjun and Fang Lijun reinvent themselves. Yue's new work features only men with sincere expressions of grief, and all of Fang's subjects sport remarkable heads of hair, from afros and Mr.T Mohawks to Elvis DA's. They found a new school of painting called Trusting Idealism. Skeptics are silenced when Yue's Jackpot, depicting five bright pink men howling in despair as they play poker, is acquired by a blue-blooded European collector for twenty million Euros.