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The Ugly American

Hi there. I'm an ugly American. Oh, no need for photo attached: real ugly is about aura, not aspect. Take my word for it; in thought, word, and when I think only other uglies are watching, deed, I'm as far from light and grace as the bottom of Hitler's jackboots.

Don't blame me for being a black hole, though. I'm just absorbing the reality of my China experience and reconstituting it in a skewed dimension entirely of my own making, where my ugly pronouncements and judgments repel heathy souls like anti-matter, but draw other ugly vortexes into gravitational fields of self-righteous mockery that echo through the eternal abyss.

"Yeah the burgers here totally suck dude."

The mathematical principle on which my ugliness rests is that everything and everyone Chinese carries a metaphysical denominator of minus one - all of it 'less than' the right side of ought, on the two-dimensional, linear scale with which I measure thousands of years and billions of lives and, in my self-ordained wisdom, find it all lacking.

Being this ugly didn't come easy. I got this way through years of discipline. Sure, when I got to China, I was much like the deluded backpackers you see wandering around smiling at everything. I too knew the thrill of being somewhere where nobody looked, talked, or thought like me. Then I finally asked why that was, and simple empirical deduction revealed that since I rule, people unlike myself suck, proportional to their degree of not-me-ness.

Once I had the theory in mind, evidence cropped up everywhere: cars, customs, food, films, none of it remotely resembled what I know to be best. Sorry, the truth shall make you ugly.

And you know what? Ugliness has led to some beautiful friendships. I mean, it's hard to get to know other foreigners here, especially the ugly-haters who turn their backs on you right in the middle of a good story about the boneheaded handyman who tried to fix the grabage disposal with chopsticks. But I've grown skilled at sniffing out my own kind. We're all over this city, and the U.N. could learn from how we overcome national, political, and religious differences in the solidarity of China-bashing. We congregate, of course, in Western eateries by day and Western bars by night; you'll know us by our sudden bursts of derisive laughter, followed by sidelong glances to see if anyone in earshot has overheard and is offended.

You wouldn't be the first to wonder why the hell I don't just go home, if everything here is so contemptible. Asking that question marks you as one who can never understand the rosy glow of superiority that ugliness bestows. The only thing that makes sense here is my lifestyle. I get money and dates in Beijing just for not being Chinese. Back home nothing made sense. I was just as cool and much more hardworking, but nobody seemed to notice or care, particularly women and bosses. Now, I've got a devoted girlfriend who condones my ugliness, and a comfortable salary merited by not much more than my pasty white hide. Sweet, huh?

I feel the same way about my ugly as the sassy sisters on talk shows feel about their obesity - it defines me; it makes me special. If you don't like it, don't look. Or listen.

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Comments

I read the first two

On February 3rd, 2008 Anonymous (not verified) says:

I read the first two sentences then the last two and that said enough

Damned by Faint Praise

On February 4th, 2008 Ernie says:

I understand. With no multimedia to offer on the subject, I should have kept it down to five bullet points, max.
Hang around for tomorrow's blog post, folks, the cutest shots of LOLz Pekingese dogs you're probably going to see all week.

Forget the dogs

On February 4th, 2008 Bingbing (not verified) says:

Hey show us ya latest girlfriend dude.Let the world decide if its really worth the effort to seek refuge in Beijing. Many of them dang Uglies you say may already know her.

i dunno whether to laugh or

On February 5th, 2008 eric (not verified) says:

i dunno whether to laugh or cry

Problem Solved

On February 5th, 2008 JOHN SAXON says:

You know, I've spent quite some time in the Orient and I can tell you this....get yourself a good turtleneck and let those judgemental bafoons in their french fried hip-hop Hundai's be damned. We're the Beautiful Americans because we take the time to live, really live...getting our hands (and other appendages) dirty, being honest and willing to laugh at ourselves. This, sir is something the "filler-people" who supposedly "live" here can never hope to do. Now THAT'S what you call " SAXIN' IT ".

Thanks for chiming in, Mr. Saxon!

On February 13th, 2008 Ernie says:

John Saxon, ladies and gentlemen. You loved him in Enter the Dragon; now he's waxing eloquent on all things Oriental.

life is just what you asked for!

On February 15th, 2008 Anonymous (not verified) says:

well the fact that many think of what ever the chinese might be i am an american myself i hate admit i ( hate america and most things about it )
how ever i am not an ugly american i am the other american
( the anti american ) n.a.i.n.s.
before all the talk of life and babble i would like to know if there are any foreigner/expats who really do wish to live in china not the fact that you are a foreigner or one who may not be able to hack it where they are originally from.there are three kinds of foreigners
1 packers

2 damned foreigners aka ugly foreigners who cant deal with reality in their own country

3.expatriates who no longer wish or can tollerate mass hypnosis and media ongoings there for would never cared much for their country to begin with and the intollerable vegitables who think that they are better than everyone around them etc etc

_-_ sure many of those who complain about china and it's lively hoods
and mock the difference and lives of the chinese race believe it or not
its you who is being mocked i would guess that many expats would never believe or think that the chinese would just be using and mocking *YOU*
but the question is why are you here? shanghai is nothing special beijing is no better than some middle eastern developed desert land

i am from hefei i love it very much here of course there just like back home you have the idiots and country people aka yellow trash but as long as you can deal with the staring or atleast have that allmost great fight of a life time! lol all is good and yet things can get quite expensive how many foreigners out there own an actualy home/apartment ?
there are atleast 2 including my self that i know of so far.
i have one that is being built with in a community developing company i own 2 floors about 180 m2 with 3 porches

i would like to share on this thought between me as an honest true expat and anyone else out there who is willing to share their lives and experiance with in the mainlands

www.myspace.com/timswebpage2
www.timothysmercurio@yahoo.com