It was not all that long ago that you could sit in the Long Bar in Shanghai, or have a beer in Centro in Beijinrls woreg, and be relatively left alone in the company of your mates and discuss football, the previous weekends antics and which girls wore the shortest skirts. Ah, such sweet halcyon days ! However, with the inevitable rise of China, and the ‘perceived riches’ of the expatriate community in Shanghai and Beijing, alas, that dreaded species, the “financial services consultant” has appeared.

I remember the day well, when Shanghai fell victim to the inevitable onslaught of pension schemes, guaranteed investments and offshore trusts in places I thought were wholly inhabited by coconut palms. For there, at the end of the legendary Long Bar itself, like a prowling pack of wolves, strode in, at 6pm – just when I was starting to get into a well deserved first Gin & Tonic of the day – pin-striped suits galore – all tarted up with their very best (and possibly only) Hermes tie, London-origin cuff-links and Boss aftershave. And that was just the women.

“Ello mate !” enquired a suitably-clad one; “been ‘ere long ?” – the polite, yet matey “We’re all one of the lads” themed conversation before a hedge could be funded, was skillfully steered towards talk of Unit Trusts, Childrens Education, the medical dangers of China, and planning for the future. All rather unnecessary I thought as I my counting is usually done in sheep, I’m single and sprog-adverse, have lived through SARS and the closest I get to the future is wondering what time the bar will throw me out.

Politely, I made my excuses and left. But they were onto me. Having impressed the various Chambers with their pedigree (ever noticed how all the firms have “old family” names like “Dubonnet Financial”, “SevenOaks Prestige”, “Dubloon Trust” and so on ?) they acquired copies of chamber membership books (the chamber sold a guide ! fantastic ! they’ve just inflicted telesales misery upon all their members) and before long I was being bombarded with calls. I tried, I really did, to be polite. But when I’m hard at work – trying to make some money – being disturbed three or four times a day by people…um trying to make me money – I rebelled. Cue my patented telesales pitch reply:

“Hello, is that Mr. Evans ?”

“Yes…”

“Hi, well this is Mathew Sproggett-Chalk calling from Platinum Capital in Budapest. (actually the newly named “Budapest room” they’ve hired from Regus in Pudong). Have you heard of our firm ?”

“Um…no”

“Well, would you be interested if I told you our portfolio of Unit-Mixed Multi-Currency Index Priced Linked, WTO protected, FCC, OBE and Topiary Influenced Cheese Derivatives have shown a return of 97% over 2004 ?”

“No I wouldn’t. But you have a sexy voice though. What are you wearing?”

“Er….

“Can you come and see me ?”

“Yeah, um, I can’t…but one of our representatives….”

“Only if they wear stockings”

“Um…it’s a guy actually”

“Even better. Send him around”

At this point the conversation is usually abruptly terminated.

And here in lies the rub. Expats spend their money. But if there are any financial services firms out there with attractive girls in mini skirts – then hell yes let’s see them! The rest? Forget it. I’ve hedged my bets long ago, and I never give money to firms whose names I’ve never heard of.

It’s just reached Beijing unfortunately now as well. Although a few hardy souls have been here for awhile, and have become reasonably house-trained, latterly my phone gets bombarded with calls from similar sounding firms but none of which nowadays are actually ‘in financial services’. They all seem to be specialists, or even sell software for me to “track my index”. Blimey. I didn’t know I had one. Sounds like something I would have wanted as an accessory to my Scalextrix set as a kid. “Dad! Dad ! Can I get an Index Tracker for Christmas!”

I’m also sure it can’t be doing some of these offshore destinations any good for their tourist industry. Mauritius, for example. I’ve been there, it’s beautiful. But it’s also home to offshore trusts, private banking services and double tax treaties. I can therefore imagine as if the beaches of Perebere are covered in pinstripes all calling each other with deals: “My unit trust derivatives went up 49% in the last minute! ”. “Zut Alors! Well ma hedge fund in pork belly futures ees returned a conziztant 124.6% price differential since 2002!” I can see them all there, retired after their China postings, with nothing else to do than constantly sell to each other. I think Mauritius is volcanic is origin too. Now that would be a suitable ending, wouldn’t it…..