Excellent, grasshopper! Like a man who sneezes with no hanky, you will take matter into your own hands. Qigong is nothing less than the art of training one's Qi, which is vital energy, and mind, which in your case not only wanders but often leaves completely.

I wish to improve my health, master, and prevent disease...

Good, good Grasshopper. Like nursing baby with big mouth, you will make a clean breast of things. Consider the ancient Medical Canon of Emperor Huang, which says,"When one can keep free of wishes and ambition, gather genuine vital energy and concentrate his mind internally, he cannot be struck down by disease. As he is free from wishes and desires, he is calm and fearless; he works hard without feeling tired."

Great, I'm all about that hippy stuff. How do I get started?

Like man who sits on tack, you want to rise quickly. Thus, consider Lao Zi's Canon of Morality, which states, "When practising Qigong, one should keep in a calm state,concentrate the mind at Dantian, breathe softly, and lead the Qi to flow through Dantian."

Dantian? Isn't that in Shandong?

Wrong! Wronger than baseball, which says man with four balls can walk. Dantian is the root of life, where all energy accumulates.

You mean THERE?

No. About two inches above. As for Qi, it is intrinsic energy. Man lives in Qi, and Qi exists in man. When your Qi is gathered, you can resist pathogens. If you are indifferent to fame and free of desires as well, you are invulnerable.

Man, this does sound like Star Wars.

Of course. George Lucas was a big fan of the show. But no more wisecrack, or I will kick you below your Dantian and leave you holding the bag.

OK sorry. How do I get started? I mean, what kind of sneakers do I need?

*SIGH* If only your parents had learned from their parents' mistakes, and used birth control. Qigong is simple, Grasshopper. As Huai Nan Zi said, "Inhaling and exhaling, getting rid of the stale air and taking in the fresh, walking like a bear and stretching like a bird, bathing like a wild duck and hearing like an earwig, looking around like an owl and glancing about like a tiger, this is the exercise for health preservation."

Huh? I was thinking about doing the slo-mo crunk dancing with the geezers in the park. How the heck do I walk like a bear?

Like man in tight jeans, you press your luck, Grasshopper. Qigong is as much spiritual and mental as it is physical. Consider:

You sit with eyes closed and away from noise

Harmony of Qi builds up skin and muscles.

You seem drunk with fine wine,

stirring only slightly as if in hibernation.

You look calm

While blood and Qi flow freely throughout.

You think no more,

with heart and mind in a state of nothingness and emptiness.

That's beautiful. What is that, Pink Floyd?

Bai Ju-yi, jackass. Dig this one:

My heart is as calm as still water

without the least wind stirring,

I sit undisturbed

Taking thousand breaths.

Suddenly in the midnight, I enter a wonder land,

With rolling waves and rising sun in sight.

That's gotta be Yes.

It's Lu You, actually, but like man with nail in pocket, you forget point. Remember that cultivating tranquility is essential to acheiving the goals of Qigong.

Don't you have any exercises I can do, master?

That doesn't exactly sound like a formula for toned buns and shapely hips and thighs.

You want to live to one hundred, Qigong! You want buns, go to bakery! When you have practiced this exercise for three months every night, you will be ready to progress.

Every night, huh? What happens if three months later I don't feel healthier?

Then you will be like man whose wife has tiny bust.

How's that?

You will have right to feel low down.

You've still got it, master.

Eyyyyyyy. Now go stand over there. Time for your spear-dodging practice.