Daily life in China is filled with oddities and difficulties that only an expatriate can understand. It is hard to imagine another place where waiters will ignore your specifications for dishes because “it wouldn’t taste good that way.” Yet there is one misstep that I continually make, and I always seem to be surprised by the strange outcomes. Specifically, I frequently manage to buy the wrong products, and feel incredibly stupid when I make the realization. Not to toot my own horn, but this is something at which I truly excel.

Have you ever taken a taste of something expecting it to be sweet and it turns out sour? A moment of terror seeps in before you realize that the milk has not gone horribly bad, but in fact you are drinking grapefruit juice. Or you sink your teeth into what looks like cheese, and it turns out to be the middle-eastern, sesame-based desert halvah. These are scarring moments of utter panic-inducing confusion.

Well, in China, if you are not careful this can happen pretty often. A few years ago my parents visited, and at least five times bought pastries hoping they were chocolate. Let’s just say they really hate red bean now. Similarly, a few months ago I picked up some ‘dried mango’ and ended up gnawing my way through a bag of dried sweet potatoes instead. There is nothing inherently wrong with red bean paste or dried sweet potatoes, but when you’ve packed your bags for Hawaii, and your plane lands in Montana, you are bound to be disappointed. In short, you really need to read labels before making purchases in China.

Sometimes a mistake can cause more than minor discomfort. If are not careful you can end up in a dangerous spot. A friend confided that she almost bought pipe cleaner thinking it was mouthwash, because ‘in Carrefour all different kinds of products are grouped together.’ I am delighted to report that she realized her mistake before reenacting a scene from the movie Heathers. Fortunately, I have never swished Drano through my teeth, but I did make a similar, if much less dangerous, mistake.

When you buy toothpaste, there are not too many flavors out there. Usually there’s mint, spearmint, maybe baking soda, and bubble gum for the kiddies. So when I went into a store to buy some personal items, I figured I was in good shape. I picked up a tube of toothpaste with a sparkly diamond image on the front, and started to head out.

However, another tube caught my eye with a green, leafy image. Not being a botanist, the leaves on the front looked pretty much like mint to me. After all, what else could they possibly be? Working on the assumption that one mint toothpaste was as fantastically good-tasting as the next, I switched, and went on my way. That night I discovered that the flavor was far from standard. And yet it was vaguely familiar. So I looked at the package, where I spotted this character: 茶. If you have not seen it before, it means ‘tea.’ As in tea toothpaste.

I cannot quite describe what it is like to wake up and try to defeat morning breath with a giant glob of tea-flavored goo. The best I can conjure up is the experience of spreading the smell of a Chinese taxi around one’s mouth, or at least what I imagine that to feel like. That having been said, I have to admit that, while I never really liked it, as the tube began winding down, the flavor became strangely comforting. Of course I will ever buy it again.

If you are wondering why I would use an entire tube of tea-flavored toothpaste, I can assure you that neither cheapness, nor laziness, was a factor. Instead, it falls into my philosophy of dealing with stupid purchases: Whenever I make these mistakes I finish the products off to ensure I never repeat the error in the future. You can call it ‘tough self-love’ (not the kind that befell Michael Hutchence).

All told, it took me about a month to work my way through the bag of rock-hard sweet potatoes. My tea goo lasted me about twice as long, during which time I suspect my breath was somewhat below par. Fortunately, I have moved back to the world of minty freshness, which I appreciate more than ever before. Sometimes having the little things taken away makes you begin to appreciate them more.

So what is the lesson? When you are in China read everything before paying, or be prepared for the consequences. Buyer beware. Otherwise you may find yourself with a mouthful of tea gel.

This article was adapted from Daily Tea Leaves, China Expat's blog. Josh also write also writes a personal blog, Cup of Cha.