Bedroom Fengshui

 

-by Ernie Diaz

 

Scoff at feng shui all you like. Call it New Age nonsense. But not before you consider that this so-called reality, your all-too-solid flesh, any anivegimineral, is in fact corrupted light – pulsing very, very slowly. Energy, if you like. And energy has to flow. So if your love life is less than satisfactory, you have to let the love flow. Feng shui is all about the flow. It’s about cockamamie symbolism, too, so feel free to use the following tips as desired. They’re certainly as useful as looking for love in a club.

 

Might as well start in the bedroom, where the closing act to the gentle comedy of romance typically occurs. If your closing act typically occurs out of doors or in back seats, read no further: you’ve got your mojo working – no need to worry about feng shui. The rest of you, focus on the bed. Is it crammed in a corner? Well then how is someone going to climb onto it with you, if they have to climb over you in the morning to slip away while you’re still asleep? You want your bed with even space on both sides. Night tables must be paired as well – makes it that much easier to leave some money, or other tokens of esteem.

 

The bed itself, should not be king, lest you’d be king on an island of one, not twin, lest you prefer all love on the side, and not waterbed, lest you’d be adrift on a sea of hellish Burt Reynolds-style romance. Big memo to organizational, space-maximizing, feng-shui-ignoring types: the space beneath the bed is not for storage. Little doubt there are enough skeletons in your closet. Sleeping on top of your musty yearbooks, emergency underwear, moth-balled mash notes from the one who got away, guarantees that a legion of ghosts will be hovering around your bed, and won’t stop staring until the one you’re celebrating your love with has gone away. Makes even celebrating your love for yourself kind of creepy.

 

Ah, but you don’t believe in ghosts. Fine, maybe there are no disembodied souls, but there are the ghosts in your head, and we all have a tendency to project them into our environment, often to the detriment of the love and power of now. Honestly, what’s that picture of your dear departed grandma doing on your dresser? You want to make a good-old fashioned Chinese family shrine and put it there, great move, but grandma doesn’t want to see her future generations in the works. Mirrors by the bed, which by all means make parts of romance more interesting, also make them less intimate. And you will inevitably, in the darkest hour, get up for a groggy bathroom trip, see your reflection but not recognize it, and lose a boatload of qi, if not bladder control.

 

Not just your past but your present baggage can slow down the train to Love Town. “Home office” in the corner? The unwanted business cards, the crummy swivel chair, and worst of all the computer, where you manifest all that is most self-centered and lustful, will eventually drive away every suitor, have he the tenacity of a Jehovah’s Witnesses or otherwise. A TV in front of the bed, as well, is the non-Middle Earth equivalent of the Eye of Sauron. It’s watching you, believe us, and even the most wholesome relationship will eventually wither into a Gollum before it.

 

Besides electromagnetic radiation and Hollywood’s evil pull, there are other kinds of energy that you can expend in many places, but not the bedroom, not where you want romance to flourish. No working out, besides sexy-time workout. That’s the energy of extending life, not giving or making new life. Those dumbbells in the corner may as well be concrete blocks to tie on the feet of your relationship, and throw into the East River. Besides, she doesn’t care if your lats are coming in or not. Honestly.

 

See, we want to keep this about the energy side of feng shui, since even a php programmer with Asperger’s can wrap his mind around the possibility that there just might be some cosmic operating principles the men in lab coats haven’t quantified yet. So we won’t necessarily recommend that you never sweep or vacuum under the bed while trying to conceive, and banish the little soul who swirls about, trying to get in mom’s belly. We won’t endorse candle-burning to heat things up, either, since that all too easily results in burning out of the most tragic kind. Neither are the results in on finally getting some skin with skin-toned wallpaper. That all speaks to visualization and positive imagery of the Oprah variety, and we’ll gladly leave a sister to it.

 

Just keep the qi flowing, is the essence of the best feng shui advice, in the bedroom or otherwise. Be as unto a river of qi, and flow from your front door to the bed. Kick aside the muddy trainers in the way, brighten up the dingy corners where love gone wrong pools, and spill out at last beneath the covers. Now get some rest. Sex is nice, sleep is divine.

 

 

 

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