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Inaugurations vs. Coronations
Americans can protest all they want about their elections and democratic processes. Right or wrong, we all have an innate need to worship supreme leaders. If Obama is no more than the official a majority saw best fit to execute the laws of the land, explain the fainting and crying, the unmistakable air of coronation at yesterday’s inauguration ceremony.
And the ceremony has its rituals, another sign of our will to worship. The limo ride down Pennsylvania Avenue, the oath-taking, the 21-gun salute, “Hail to the Chief”, lunch with Congress. Considering the messianic hopes placed on the charismatic shoulders of America’s 44th, maybe that’s not enough. Back when China had emperors, the coronation ceremony was an extremely regimented affair.
It had to be. The emperor wasn’t born divine, but invested with the office of intermediary between heaven, man, and earth. All the cosmological principles had to be observed to ensure Heavenly propitiousness. Considering the divine favor Obama will need to pull America’s feet out of the economic fire unscathed, perhaps we should have done the inauguration Qing Dynasty style.
To start with, January 20th isn’t a particularly auspicious day. Then again, there are no major feng shui obstacles – three kills, year breakers, five yellows – to forbid a major event like a coronation, make that inauguration.
So Obama would need an august body, say the Supreme Court, to stand in as the Qing’s Board of Rites, a group whose sole responsibility it was to make sure all rituals were carried out according to the dictates of heaven. They would gather in the Capitol Building, and place the presidential seal on a table directly south of Obama’s throne. That’s right, there would have to be a throne right in the center of the Capitol Building to do this correctly. Since an emperor only becomes divine by the investiture of power, there must be a temporal symbol of his authority. And the Chinese have long recognized the symbolic authority of one receiving obeisances while seated.
Next the imperial guards, in this case the secret servicemen, would set up Obama’s travelling equipage in front of the Capitol Building. At the bottom of the steps would be his foot-chariot, behind that five ancient imperial carriages, and docile elephants placed to the south of the carriages. We could replace the carriages with limos and not give offence to the ancestors, but the elephants, for pure pomp and circumstance, remain essential.
An Imperial proclamation of Obama’s ascension would be just as necessary, placed in a gold-trimmed jade basin, which would be left in the Capitol Building’s vestibule.
Now the Board of Music, in this case the U.S. Marine Band, would be called in to arrange their musical instruments on the east and west of the Capitol Building’s causeway. Of course this would mean first building a causeway to the Capitol Building, and high time too, since Washington D.C. rests on a swamp anyway.
Next an officer of the Board of Public Works would be charged with placing a golden phoenix at the top of the Capitol Building steps, from whence to proclaim the new president. This duty would most likely devolve to new Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar. A chief secretary, presumably the Secretary of State, would now place a petition requesting Obama to ascend to office on a table, to the north of Obama’s throne.
Only then could the members of the Council-chamber, or shall we say Obama’s cabinet, lead Obama’s kindred and other noble rulers (Carter, Clinton, et al) to the foot of the throne. After them the great officers of State, Vice President on down, would arrange themselves according to rank below the throne, power inverse to distance.
At this point, the President of the Board of Rites, Chief Justice John Roberts, would repair to Obama’s private chambers and entreat him to put on his inaugural robe. Appropriately attired, Obama would pay respects at his father’s altar, then go on to his mother’s palace to pay his respects. Mama Obama, likewise attired in robes, would ascend her special throne, whereupon her son would kneel thrice and bow nine times.
Filial devotion demonstrated, Obama would wait for his chief astrologer (Joan Quigley?) to declare the perfect moment to mount his golden chariot and make for the Capitol Building. He would be preceded by the Supreme Court justices, and followed by his secret service detail (bearing spears and swords), all at a stately pace.
Dismounting at the steps of the Capitol Building, Obama would make his way inside and be seated above the assembled dignitary. Chief Roberts would then call on the aassemblage to kneel thrice and bow nine times. That ceremony over, Roberts would step before Obama, kneel, and careful not to make eye contact, beseech him, “Ascend the Imperial throne.” Rising from his seat, Obama would make his way to the throne. Theoretically, Obama’s authority would commence as soon as the presidential caboose touched the seat of gems.
Hereupon bells would ring and drums would be beaten, but no other music commence. First the chief secret serviceman must say aloud, “Strike the whip!” The whip in question would be struck in front of the throne, after which VP Biden would lead in all the top military officers. Biden would call “Kneel!” three times, then “Bow!” and “Rise!” nine times.
Military fealty established, Chief Justice Roberts would take the jade basin containing the Imperial proclamation, carry it to the table with the presidential seal just south of Obama’s throne, seal the proclamation while facing north, and retire in good order. It would be up to the Prime Minister (Gordon Brown – why not?) to take the proclamation and place it before the throne, whereupon all in attendance would take a knee and then bow three times.
Attended by his own procession, Gordo would place the proclamation back in the jade basin, and remove to the Dragon dome, not a bad name for the Capitol dome. Naturally a catwalk of some sort and appropriate amplification would be provided so that Brown could mount the dome without hazard, and pronounce, “An Edict!” All in sight of the Capitol Building would be compelled to fall to their knees, and listen to the proclamation being read. After the old three genuflections and nine prostrations, the crowd would see the jade basin carried to the aforementioned golden phoenix, and hung by a cord from its bill.
The ritual concluded, the Band could then strike up “Hail to the Chief”, and the partying begin. We can assume Obama would have the class to take his family to a banquet with Congress before retiring to his chambers, and concubines.
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