Help for Hotties

You’re hot. Stop blushing; this is serious. Or is that flushing? If you subsist on anything approaching a modern diet, you have long since lost that metabolic ideal – homeostasis – and are running hotter than a QQ hauling a family of Sumo wrestlers to Lhasa. Not that a thermometer would tip you off. This isn’t a matter of degrees Celsius or Fahrenheit, but rather of the internal fire generated by all the protein, fat, preservatives, chocolate and caffeine it takes to convince a first-worlder that he’s well fed.

Instead of using mercury for proof, we must look to the symptoms of overheating – a coated tongue, persistent upper back and shoulder tension, restless sleep, trouble concentrating or relaxing. Sound familiar? It should – legions of hotties fill every office tower, every fast food joint, every place where convenience and artificial flavorings trump nutritional value. But take heart. Traditional Chinese Medicine has had the problem sussed since Huang Di invented the imperial banquet. As with all timeless wisdom, the question lies in who will listen well enough to profit.

Western medicine started out with the Greeks, and like the Chinese medical system, a fundamental respect for balance. But even though Jesus taught that nothing entering harms a man so much as what comes out his mouth, Christianity and the concept of Satan’s minions at work upon the sinful physique took the West away from the concept of health as dynamic equilibrium.

The Chinese, however, never swayed from their concept of the human body as a microcosmic model. And just as prolonged rain brings flooding, and parching sun drought, too much heat and cold compromise the body’s state of balance, a balance which, if carefully maintained, renders one immune to infirmities great and small.

If the theory seems simple, why shouldn’t it? Organic chemistry gets exceedingly complex, but not the principles that govern it. Every ailment from a runny nose to the big C is a manifestation of a previous and less acute state of imbalance. The Chinese maintain that it can all be reduced to cold and hot, represented by – you guessed it – yin and yang. Let’s break it down a bit further before prescribing the cure for your firey condition.

There are six pernicious influences to disrupt your internal balance of hot and cold: external hot and cold, dryness, dampness, wind and summer heat [Google refuses to divulge the difference between first and sixth]. No single factor is a threat if one faces it in good health and moderation. But a torrid summer in Shanghai can throw your qi out of whack as viciously as a stint on the wind-bitten steppes of Outer Mongolia. So besides excess body heat or cold, whether that heat or cold is wet or dry must also be taken into account. All four of the possible combinations affect different organs, and will lead to progressive pathological suffering if left untreated.

As long as your heated state is only burdening you with the common symptoms of its early stages – weird bumps or rashes, blemishes, constipation, joint pain – you are fully authorized to self-medicate. Don’t start counting the prozac yet, though, the best medicine for you is food. If the symptoms were more severe it would be time for herbs. For now, though, a significant boost in the proportion of cold foods in your diet will clear up your spots without Retin-A, and focus your wandering mind without Ritalin.

Again, ‘hot’ and ‘cold’ in this case is no matter of temperature, but rather the food’s fundamental property of encouraging either effect. Some foods, most significantly the basic starches such as rice and potatoes, are neutral. But all that chicken, pork and beef, and the copious oil it’s fried in, heat you up like Cinemax After Dark, demanding a counter agent before the physical and psychic ramifications can take hold. Interestingly, turkey and duck are two meats that have a cooling effect. But as for other flesh, excessive body heat gives you yet another reason to cut way down on them, unless you’re facing a Siberian winter in a drafty log cabin. Fitness freaks who might bemoan the lack of protein can safely turn to the soy bean and its wonderkind, tofu, which counts as a sovereign cold food.

Many but by no means all vegetables belong to the cold category. Cabbage counts, and is palatable to the otherwise anti-veggi. To really cool yourself from the inside out, get bitter. Eating a dish of bitter melon, known to your Chinese waitress as koo gua, is like throwing a wet towel on your internal embers. Winter melon and shanyao, the slippery Chinese yam, work gelid wonders as well.

One would imagine fruits an entirely cool bunch, but some like it hot in any group. Lychee fruit, grapes, cherries, all will stoke your fires, while most of the citrus fruits play only a neutral role. Watermelon, peaches and pears, on the other hand, are rated tops in cooling you down.

A silent minority – anemics, vegans, and the otherwise qi deficient, need to switch tack and turn up their inner ovens. Anyone not sure or interested in diagnosing themselves from an eastern perspective should make the time to visit a TCM hospital. Those with misgivings based on fear of hospitals in general and the bureaucracy of Chinese hospitals in particular are hereby advised to toughen the heck up a bit. TCM hospitals are like chiropractors, eager to help but continually discounted, and are therefore distinguished by unfailing courtesy and friendliness. At worst you leave a few kuai lighter, with a bottle of tiny Chinese medicine pills or some circles on your back.

Reputable TCM Hospitals around China:

1. Beijing Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine
Add: No.23 Back Road of Art Gallery, Dongcheng District
Beijing 100010
P.R.China
Tel: +86-10-6401 6677

2. Guang An Men Hospital affiliated to China Academy of Chinese Medical Sciences
Add: No.5 Beixiange, Xuanwu District
Beijing 100053
P.R.China
Tel: +86-10- 6301 3311
+86-10- 8800 1252

3. Gulou TCM Hospital
Add: No.13 Doufuchi Hutong, Dongcheng District
Beijing 100009
P.R.China
Tel: +86-10-6404 4445

4. Dongzhimen Hospital affiliated to Beijing University of Chinese Medicine
Add: No.5 Haiyuncang, Dongcheng District
Beijing 100700
P.R. China
Tel: +86-10- 8401 3276
+86-10-8401 3212

5. Shanghai Traditional Chinese Medicine Hospital
Add: No.274 Zhi Jiang Zhong Road, Zhabei District
Shanghai 200071
P. R. China
Tel: +86-21-5663 9828

6. Zhongshan Traditional Chinese Medicine Hospital
Add: No.2 Nanan Road
Zhongshan, Guangdong 528400
P. R. China
Tel: +86-760-8807 807
Fax: +86-760-8804 338
Email: zszyy@pub.zhongshan.gd.cn

7. Hospital affiliated to Chengdu University of TCM
Add: No.39 Shi Er Qiao Road, Jinniu District
Chengdu, Sichuan 610072
P.R.China
Tel: +86-28-8776 9902
+86-28-8776 9903
Fax: +86-28-8776 7144

8. Huaihua Red Cross Hospital,Dr. Ming’s TCM Medical Center,
Add: Shi Ji Hua Yuan, Hutian Developing Area,

Huaihua city, Hunan province, China 418000

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