• China Expat is a cultural and literary forum for expatriates interested in China and has been published by Asia Briefing Ltd since 2001. The sites resident China culture writers have included such expatriate luminaries as Chris Devonshire-Ellis, Graham Thompson, Josh Gartner and now Ernie Diaz.
    Please use the search function to find related articles. If you wish to submit articles for consideration please contact editor@chinaexpat.com

  • China Expat – A Decade of Writing 2001-2011 Free Book Download in PDF IPAD Version of Book Download
  • Select the city :

  • Dezan Shira & Associates provide a range of services for companies looking to undertake foreign direct investment into Asia, These include corporate establishment, accounting, tax, payroll, audit and due diligence. To learn more about the firm, please contact one of our specialists at china@dezshira.com, download our corporate brochure or visit at us www.dezshira.com


Ratso Takes to the Streets

Hold on; I’ll wait ‘til you’re done parking. Oh for god’s sake – “Dao! Dao!…Dao! Hao le. Wow, you almost got your Santana parallel to the lines. You’re getting pretty good at this, aren’tcha?

I know there’s a giant fish head and a bottle of baijiu with your name on it inside this fine restaurant, but allow me to bend your ear. I just want to know why you thought it was necessary to lean on your horn to clear me from the sidewalk. Of course you needed to use the pedestrian path because other cars were too slow, and your What bad breath and comb over?two-pack business dinner is far too important to drive safely to.

But couldn’t you have “tootled the horn melodiously” to let me know such an august personage as yourself was coming through? Sir, why do you avert your gaze? Sir? Enjoy your fish head, sir.

[*BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP*] Hey, you’ll do. I know I’m blocking your car, genmer, I just wanted a word. I see you’re on your phone, so I’m going to assume you didn’t notice that green humanoid lit up on yon crossing signal. Yeah, that one. Say again, please? My Chinese is especially bad when I’m about to assault someone. Ohhh, you thought that meant “warning – troublesome worthless walkers about”.

Now, I don’t have a car, and therefore lack the status to speak with you on an equal footing, but being compassionate to the poor and disenfranchised is part of noblesse oblige. You have all the other hallmarks of the new China ruling class – your clutch purse, silver zippo, and a father who’s allowed to embezzle millions because his father gave everyone footrubs on the Long March.

You know what? I’ll shut up. I’m just jealous. That is a Mercedes – CLS – and the adorable array of stuffed animals in the rear window shows you have a woman in your life who is young at heart. Those are yours? Oops. Guess that’s your man-bag on the passenger seat, too. You have enough problems. Good day, sirrah.

Here comes another -Whoops! Guess you need to merge with traffic pretty bad, cowboy. You just block the sidewalk ‘til you see an opportunity; this’ll give us a chance to chat. I never get enough chances to learn from members of a classless, Socialist society, and reform my materialistic Western ways. My Dongbei girlfriend lectures me once in a while, but since I declined to send thirty grand to her great aunt for that operation, it’s been “noh talk, noh boom-boom”. Uh, buddy? You’re accelerating, yet you cast nary a glance at oncoming traffic. Ahhh, you only focus on where you want to go. That’s it. Eyes on the prize.

Hey now, sonny lad, no wonder you just took the left turn ten seconds after the arrow went red. In that souped-up QQ, the ladies must be ringing you off the hook for rides! What color is it? I can’t tell from all the racing stickers and street-cred-bestowing bullet hole decals. Hoooey, gun it some more! It’s like being back at the go-cart races at Riverside Park. Hey, with that giant spoiler, if you were to take off the roof (I’ve got a can opener on me), you could just wheel it into Carrefour, with everyone thinking it was a wacky promotional shopping cart.

[*Beep Beep BEEEP*] Ey! I’m walkin’ here! I’m walkin’ here!

No related posts.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

9 Responses to Ratso Takes to the Streets

  1. Eeek-a-mouse says:

    No one does it better than our Ernie.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I love all readers unconditionally, but this was supposed to be an intolerant rant about Chinese drivers.

  3. whichholesutraheh says:

    Get Your Rocks Off. At the end of the day, it’s really about the size of your rock. But it doesn’t have to be the one on your finger they’re talking about. …

  4. China Rant says:

    A interesting article from Cox Newspapers with a mention of ChinaRant. Some excellent tidbits from the article:

    1. Many Chinese refuse to swallow their spit because they believe mucus is poisonous, said Sha Lianxiang, a psychologist at the Humanistic Olympics Studies Center. “When I was young my parents told me that if I swallowed my spit it would turn into a worm in my stomach,” she said.

    2. Beijing also has employed 1,500 “civilized bus-riding” supervisors to discourage crowding and fighting at bus stops, the official Xinhua news agency reported. The city has also hired 3,180 workers to stop pedestrians and cyclists from crossing streets against the light and will increase the number to more than 5,000 by 2008, according to local media.

    3. In 2003 the Beijing government began providing dog owners with yearlong supplies of plastic bags and “apparatuses to collect their fecal matter,” said Sha, the Humanistic Olympics Studies Center psychologist.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Racism has existed throughout human history. It may be defined as the hatred of one person by another — or the belief that another person is less than human — because of skin color, language, customs, place of birth or any factor that supposedly reveals the basic nature of that person. It has influenced wars, slavery, the formation of nations, and legal codes.

    During the past 500-1000 years, racism on the part of Western powers toward non-Westerners has had a far more significant impact on history than any other form of racism (such as racism among Western groups or among Easterners, such as Asians, Africans, and others). The most notorious example of racism by the West has been slavery, particularly the enslavement of Africans in the New World (slavery itself dates back thousands of years). This enslavement was accomplished because of the racist belief that Black Africans were less fully human than white Europeans and their descendants.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Some people mistakenly believe that the public expression of racist attitudes is a legal and acceptable form of free speech.

  7. Uncle Remus says:

    you white people can never live without being racist even in cartoons u ppl have time. people should be thing about how to make the world a better place. Just remember 1 thing is that we blacks did not chooose to come to ur coutrys we were forced in jains we have built the white socity do u understand crackers

  8. Anonymous says:

    “You white people can never live without being racist even in cartoons”

    er….has anyone suggested to you THAT comment is seriously racist as well? Or is racism only something white people do (and largely admit to in their community, have made largely abhorrent and provide restitution for)?

  9. City Data says:

    Just so you know, black culture is NOT limited to the blame game and victimology. You are perfectly stereotypical. There are numerous blacks who attend private schools, pursue higher education, enter lucrative professions, join middle/upper class, and listen to everything from classical to alternative. Black people such as this sometimes find themselves socializing primarily outside their race. That’s a class issue, not a race one. I’m in my 20s and have lived in TN, IL, MO, NY, FL as well as S America, W Europe, Africa and the Mid East. I have a diverse network of friends across these locations. Quite frankly, I think you are perfectly stereotypical. Ask every black parent who ever had a child enrolled in tennis and golf lessons. All of those children didn’t grow up to be Tiger and Venus. They grew up to be carolinajack, yourself, and plenty of other black folks living everyday lives in communities across this country. Thing is, most everyone is going to prejudge you. We all make initial judgments based on personal experience. Once people get to know you, your character speaks for itself.Move anyplace you want, just be willing to work at establishing meaningful elationships….whether it be with a skeptical white person who initially expects you to be “more black” , a skeptical “stereotypical” black person who initially expects you to be “more black” or anyone in between who expects everything and nothing. You can’t control peoples’ assumptions of you.
    Bottom Line: Don’t think that because you move to what you perceive to be a more liberal location that you will not have to overcome the “stereotype” you so clearly are “not”. That said, I do hope you find the sense of community you are looking for. I see how feeling like an outsider within your own race can be difficult. Maybe you are the one who is too quick to judge, and there are more people with just a little something in common with you than you perceive.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>




Asia Briefing Media China Briefing India Briefing Vietnam Briefing Russia Briefing Mongolia Briefing www.2point6billion.com